The biggest Don't of life.

Never Plan.
For it will never be as good as you imagined it in your head.
(out line subtly)
(you want a future dont you?)

clearing up like the weather.

Perhaps this is why diarys are usually kept private.
Cuase your inner most feeling are misconstrued into something ugly and untrue.
Not the way you wanted your point to come across.
My intents are not to be the victim, the victim of what?
I have a lot to be thankful for and I make note of that and try to let what I'm thankful for know it.
Don't we all have those days in which we feel and gloomy like the weather latley?
Theres so much on my plate, it's hard to see the big picture.
Yeah i haven't had luck with friends but i've had some.
So why exactly would i try to ruin that?
My newest friendship has been nearly perfect and I've never had anything bad to say it. Been completely honest, and never had a malice thought in my head.
Honestly i care.
So why would i deliberatly call you something far out of anything I've ever thought.
Something that has never crossed my mind.
You'd honestly believe that I'd drop everything and call it over?
No, i don't work that way.
Your my closest friend but to clear up what i was trying to say here goes.
I want to meet NEW people, real people, not to replace the two I have but to add to the two i already have.

Not cause im OVER IT, Not Cause your fake, but to add more reality to our tiny group.
I have nothing to be mad at, nothing at all.
I hope this clears things up.

Fuck.

Theres really not much that interests me anymore.
I don't care for much.
I think I'm going to start caring about myself more
than caring about other people.
Cause I've given most of my energy to pleasing everyone
i forget about myself.
So really what im saying is Fuck the rest of the world
I going to care more about me than anyone else
like the rest of the world does

One is the lonliest number.

I could really benefit from some NEW FRIENDS.
I've had the worst luck with friends.
My friendship is hardly ever valued.
The only thing holding me back is the inability to find such a thing.
WHERE?
Or am I destined to be friendless and alone for the rest of my days?

I'm dealing.

I'm trying to find more things to be happy about.
becuase i can't live making other people happy and just forgot about my feelings.
I suppose it's becoming a little easier dealing with my anger and sorrows.
I just need a little new found laughter.
I'm trying really hard to deal with a lot of things,
and its becoming more and more aperant that dealing with them to make myself happy
means actually doing something about them.
Not waiting for them to fix themselves.
I've felt very confined latley. Like i cant escape what my life has become.
But im starting to see that its Okay to let go of a few things.
Its freeing.
Theres options, and one day is not the end of the world, cause days never stop comming for you to redeam yourself.

My message,.

I have only one thing to say,

and to help me say it, im bringing in celebrity endorcement.


thank you Conor.

Kool.

If you have something you don't want anyone to gain knowledge of the logical corse of action is to not tell anyone AT ALL.
Well you've told someone huh? Well your living in a dream world if you think they aren't going to tell anyone else. Well now the person you told is yerning to tell someone of your newly aquired knowledge but they too feel guilty and don't want that many people to know. If they didn't want anyone to tell they shouldn't have said anything in the first place either, because once that person tells someone else now one is going to have the same sympathy.
WOW YOUR ALL SO DUMB!
NEWS SPREADS...
DUH.
Best course of action:
Person with some important dumb ass news
keep your dumb ass mouth shut.
If its your buisness keep it yours
cause no ones gonna care whos buisness it is...
its not yours anymore.

Endlessy Frustrated by you.

I'm fully aware that i should be grateful, because I'm lucky to have you. Yet sometimes I find it hard, because you make it seem like you'll always be there. By now i should already know thats not the case. I know i shouldn't take you for granted. Even though sometimes I do. I shouldn't get as mad as I do. But I still do, just cause I think your gonna take it. Which i guess is wrong, cause there is no doubt that i use you as a frustration outlet. Which is bad. It's just, technically you have the power to hurt me most. You're the one that I'm closest too and feel most comfortable with, i suppose. So everything you do, hits close to home so to speak.
Meh. you frustrate me endlessly.
But I'm sorry I cant help taking you for granted.

Taken for granted.

I'm really quite upset today. I have revisited the past due to the events on the present, and have come to see that many of the people I care for most take me for granted. It seems that ever since my childhood, I have always been respected least out of the entire group. Left to be the outlet for taking out frustration, used as the butt of the joke, or seen as the feeling less loser who will take every blow at me. All this because I was too nice to ever speak up for myself. The most unfair thing of my entire life long situation is that all this is done to me, but if i even attempt to reciprocate the actions against the person who initiated it, I am seen as THE MEAN ONE, the bitch, and everyone turns on me. Ignored and exiled. It really gets to me now, because all I do is try to keep everyone I care about happy. I give my friends absolutely everything. A place to sleep whenever they need it, the ability to do whatever they want in my house whenever they want, to the best of my abilities. Yet i always feel like I'm never good enough, and i can't keep anyone happy, and this whole frustration outlet, butt of the joke, feeling less loser comes into play. Yeah maybe I'm dumb for taking it, but going against it obviously upsets everyone, and I really don't want to be alone. It's whats I've always been afraid of.
but I find it tremendously unfair that everyone gets mad at me
and I cant get mad at anyone. Ever.
Ugh i just don't want to be alone.

Bob Saget.

I'm cold and I need to pee!

Revelations.

Well there was lots of talk of revelations today,
including my own and it has perpetuated a longing in me to commit to a change.
I've come a long way i suppose,
but there has been a tremendous decrease in mass of my closest companion
that has hatched a bird of will that wants to prove itself.
Of course i don't have all the tools she has, solely because of my severe case of hypochondria,
which i have diagnosed my self with!
BUT there is still ways of achieving things.
WHICH I WILL.
I mean I can, if i really committed i could,
but there RIGHT THERE that bold faced word is my actual problem.
I can't get my mind to commit.
I can't get over the things what my mind is so used to.
Thats what they say isn't it
"its all in your head"
But I'm really going to try.
(LMFAO I ONCE WEIGHED 50 lbs. )

I want to be a big loser! HA

I'd really like to feel better about myself.
Knowing myself, i know that people aren't always truthful about the comments they make to other people,
so I have little trust when it comes to anyones word. So I guess I just have to abide by my outlook on everything.
But isn't that what everyone should do?
Thats just my opinion.
Yet there is always some kind of obstacle that gets in my way,
when i try to make a change.
I want to commit myself to doing something and sticking to it.
If you knew me
you'd probably know what I am talking about.
What I bitch at and struggle with ENDLESSLY!
This time I'm committing.
It's really all i want.
Lets shed some mass.

I'm not feeling to good.

Well I'm back in school and its far from enjoyable. The break made me far more secure, comfortable and socialable. Well thats over, schools back, and that uptight feeling of the tie that binds has taken hold of me once again. I don't feel comfortable here. I feel quite aliented, mostly because my closest companions are consumed by other "recreational activities." I'm not exactly sure why these things don't really appeal to me they never really have. Yet sometimes I did, because it seems like im this boring loser who always declines an offer to be social. and have some sort of fun.
Mer Im so gay

Spring Break 08.

Spring break so far is a very causal, moderately exciting week so far.
I can't believe its already, THURSDAY.
But its been fun.
Chilling out maxin and relaxin all cool.
Going to DANCE!
Being with my friends.
Making some new ones.
But even though its almost over, it just means i'm
THIS
much closer to
SUMMER!

the only thing that bothers me, is that i was supposed to use this week to better myself .
ya know try to get a little slimmer and what not.
but like always it turned into a fat fest
which really disappoints me.
I really just want some
DAMN
self control

Digtial NOT LOVE!!

LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM
IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU!!

BLAHHHH!!!

Life is retarded.
Everything is retardeddd!!
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
someone please
shoot me
in the
HEAD.
COOL!

The unfathomable way the gears in my mind turn.

I miss being sad
I miss being happy.
I miss feeling
Don't you?

Spring Forward, fast forward, its all the same.

Day Light Savings, hmm doesn't it feel as if it came a little early this year, besides the fact that it did, doesn't it feel like we got here a little bit to quickly.
This time of year always bring about huge fits of nostalgia.
I just feel like I've been here before, sitting in this same chair, looking out the same window into the same familiar sun, its warmth against my face, the same sight.
I can't feel time going by, I can't fathom the fact that I've gone through so many experiences and came back to sit in the same place and reflect.
It was summer a week ago, don't you think?
I feel maybe I've spent my time wasting my time on nothing. I have nothing to show for all the years that have gone by.
But that is beside the point.
Times moving more quickly than i can grab on to.
and I'm not sure what I'm doing.
The same night sky is mystifying me again.
and I'm listening to the music that once stirred my emotions on a particular situation.
And I'm not sure where to smile, or cry, its such an odd mix, I feel overwhelmed.
God its so STRANGE!
Man what spring forward will do to you.
Too bad you can't spring back!

Nast-E

I'm jealous cause I'm unsure of myself.
Theres so much to be unsure of.
"I walked by a mirror and much to my dismay
I looked a little closer and had to run away"
I don't like myself. I don't like who i am. Everything about my fluctuates.
I never really feel good enough.
SO much about me is wrong.
I don't like the way I look, and I don't like the way I can't think.
Can't I just wake up one day and miraculously be better
I've been waiting for it to happen over night
my whole life.

The Nerve.

I NEVER EVER WANNA SEE ONE OF MY FRIENDS THAT UPSET AGAIN.
NO ONE HURTS MY FRIENDS LIKE THAT.

Pancakes or Tums?

Thats mah babeh!

This weekend...how can i put into words what this weekend was? It was like one long day, thats what it seemed to be cause it never ended, and i enjoyed every minute of it.
We had the kind of fun you can only have when your bored to a dangerous extreme.
I made my way over to Alex's daddy's house to see my life partner heather, eating granola bars and what not, until Sam came and we went on a series of unmentionable errands, and took what we acquired back to Alex's mom, which went a little like this;
Big mirror and the desperate need to run around outside.
It had been previously decided that we were to spend the night at Alex's moms i went to get my stuff said see ya manana to my mommy and went on another drive to acquire sum'mo thangs, this time it was a boy and a bong. We got to Alex's moms which was very cold, so me and heather raised the temperature with our sexcapades, or maybe messing with the thermostat, what ever floats your boat, then the Daigneault came yay! and Sam and Austin left for a while so we went out for a long walk to ban nuys (man heather i loved your muff) and when we returned fell into a game a hide and go seek. Then sam and Austin came back and we just chilled and on and off entertaining ourselves mindlessly with unfathomable things. This involves;
Plastic, a prop hand, cats, ass to mouth, and photos of the Garciaros Brothers and their love hate relationships with cake.
Sam found his soul mate in a Pokemon, Polliwhirl. Twas LOVE!
No one was really down to sleep, but the name Heather, HEATHER, HEATHER, was endlessly repeated. HA! Eventually we all fell asleep. And in the morning i made pancakes.
I credit heather for the photos!!

Fertility is a burden.

It seems now a days being moody, getting cramps, and eating way to much
is a scary guessing game.
What if?, What if?
The perks of being a woman...
I'm so sure.
SO ANNOYING.
I cant stop bitching, hurting, eating.
OR JUMPING TO
CONCLUSIONS.

A Taste Of Freedom.

Having people walk in and out of my house is nice.
A taste of independence.
A taste of whats to come.
A taste of something I've never had.
I've been too overprotected
(Oh jesus, I did not just quote Britney Spears did I?)
I want to move out.
FREEDOM

Greed is a Bottomless Pit

Is it bad to have something but want other things, without giving up what you have.
What I'm trying to say, is it selfish to Love something but like other things, want other things, but not want to do away with what you love.
It is isn't?
but don't we all?
If we all don't then I am the bad person.
I want to much.
Theres to much to want.
"Greed is a bottomless pit"

Next week should be better.
Hoping for sunshine and self control.

I hate rainy Days.

Rainy Days are STOOPID!
I'm hungry!

This school is one of underachievers. Lack of work, lack of interest of teachers, and lack of student interest, but what can I say, the free time is nice.
Anyway, it's Tuesday, somewhat of a trip, a three day weekend is nice but still to short. Such a tease, get you all comfortable and pull you out again. The weekend left much to be desired but it was still muy divertido. Oh you like my use of Spanish in there? of course you do.
More than anything it consisted of the most bootleg way of getting a video game fix, walking my ass over to best buy to play guitar hero two days in a row.
Hungry and Sad, Friday night i made my way over to Ventura where i ate well at headlines, a nice omelet heavy on the cheese with hash browns i wasn't expecting. I dined discussing the tumultuous, tragic, and dramatic stories of my insane family, while Daigneault told me of his. Interesting i must say, with not much left to do we took the milbank rout back to my house and came upon Best Buy where i gravitated toward guitar hero, and discovered a new obsessions. I don't really know how long i stayed there but i had to give up my title when some HxC black guy asked threateningly "can i play winner," I gave up before i was humiliated.
Next day my day was made, when heather texted me, she was around so i ended up putting on my wind breaker and running out the door past, people in houses all the way to my little lady, we ate farm boy on the curb, and walked around being strange as usual. We hung out until she got on that dash and dashed out of my arms and into the sunset,off to shake, after that i collected daigneault and i had a craving FOR MORE GUITAR HERO, so we went to play again, i cant remember what happened the rest of night, same old same old.
Sunday was the funnest day of the weekend, I got up early for some reason, i guess it was the excitment of a shopping day in the making. We made ourway over the bumpy hill, in the short bus that takes you to Fairfax. Ah the joy that came over me as i saw the tents,like a circus, endless entertainment of clothes . We went to the cobra snake yard sale first, it was quaint, but it was still nice, we spent a lot of time talking to strider of hippo gorilla giraffe. Then we traveled to the flea market and up and down Melrose, going back and looking at things again, i got some kool shitt i must sayy, GOOD TIMES.
Monday was lame, i trained for the Xtreme Eating competition, I'm going to win I KNOW IT

Fuck ups and Fall Outs: The Tragic Tales of Fading Friendships

I over reacted, but for good reason
out of good intent.
All things resolved,
I'm happy again.
but i'll always be competing with a lifestyle.
I love my friends.

Whats up today...

There is nothing to do in this class. Well there is, but nothing worth my while, today anyway. We have a substitute extraordinar. Lovely old man with hair of white an ignorance up the ying yang. Sub days always mean free days even if you know you have things to do, they make you say fuck it NOT WORKING TODAY!
Anyway whats there to say about today, not much but that I am missing my bffl, my main man, my whoop and the crack to my pipe. I've Hardly seen Heather and its left, almost a void in my heart. I really love her. Its sounds weird but I mean I've never had a best friend quite like her. Never had anyone i could really talk to and that understood me on such a level. I don't think I could be able to take if we broke ties or something of the sort because I've been screwed over many a time by those who i considered best friends. Most relationships I've been in, speaking in terms of friends, i was never the one valued, so to have that now is something different, even though i feel the same way i used to, (not being valued) sometimes. I feel as if someone else is valued more than me because they have something more to offer. Even though you know you REALLY know they are a horrible friend who only care about themselves and what other people have to offer them without any regard towards your feelings. Its called experience and its known that history repeats itself.
i don't know i just feel slightly
Bothersome and
Excluded
ALL IN ALL NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
I just don't want to be hurt AGAIN.

ive been told this is what i am. ouch.

I am a
Disgusting,
Sick,
& twisted individual
but i dont know how to be anything else.

IF YOUR FAT GET OVER IT, JUST SHUT UP.

Its a funny thing to think about, the fact that at this moment, almost every female in L.A is in a fatful state of mind. It seems that EVERYONE seems to think they are fat. EVERYONE is on a mission to lose weight and EVERYONE is taking those extreme methods comparable to those you call of Eating Disorders and or intrest in hunger supressing drugs. Not suprising since these E.D's have become such a fad as well as drugs, BUT THATS NOT THE POINT. The point is that we LA are one of FEW places that is SOOO FOCUSED on being unrealistically thin. Im not excused from this computaion, but from what i have seen, the rest of the country is not as focused and not even close to being our sizes, so why is it that we care so much? Is it that we are closer to those advertising this type of body type? or that we are some what closer to a chance at 15 minutes of fame? Whatever it is palces around the country with the same magazines everywhere dont care HALF as much as we do? Or do they? hmm Im just kind of sick of hearing people say IM FAT IM FAT i need to loose weight. Im not saying i dont say it either i do, i too have a low self image but honestly people, jeez shut up, im not as obssessed as i was before but it still plagues my mind, but im not pushing this shit to extremes, like many. I am NOT speaking for all of you but all i can say is people need to chil the fuck out.
GO EAT A FUCKING SANDWHICH.
and be HAPPY.

Last fucking night of break.

Well I've decided to post again, as i become more and more comfortable with the some what sanctuary that is this "blogspot." I'm not completly sure if that is so yet, since i dont know if more than just heather can read what I've written, what im writing and what I am going to write. Hmm whatever, what have i got to hide? not much. Well, its 9:36, very interesting im sure. someone somewhere is having the time of their life, but me, all eyes are on the calendar as I'm realizing that time has creeped its way forward to the end of what was a heavenly break. Yeah it was fun, even though that beautifully magical little feeling in the pit of my stomach that comes with the holiday seasons has long since passed. Not once did it tickle my soul this December, but none the less it was fun. I guess it comes with the age. I guess at this age we are consumed with what doesnt tickle our souls but what expands ourminds, such as illegal substances that seem to punch us in the face with feelings we cant get naturally. Not saying they arent fun but hm is that whats in? Anyway its time to start school in 2008, its looking quite grim. Good night to all, stick to your resolutions, i say that sarcastically as i know you wont, no one ever does. Atleast not me.

I dont know why I made this, Im unfamilar with the concept, im not sure how to use it, so lets just see how this goes, should I introduce myself, no thats really stupid. Okay im done with this "blog entry" wow I feel so, web savvy!